Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Counting

It seems a long time since my last post. Ten days is enough of a short break I think. Ten keeps popping up. Sometimes I catch myself counting numbers in my head. I used to do it occasionally but just recently I’ve been doing it a lot more and I don’t know why. I think it might be associated with a disorder like the way I hoard stuff, stuff I should get rid of. When I catch myself doing it it’s hard to stop. Sometimes I just keep counting on and on and into the hundreds and it’s usually when I’m out and about walking when the counter begins its climbing oratory. People develop ticks in the city in a multitude of ways, urban psychosis, twitching curtains at the windows of the self. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..the Zebra crossing 18..19..20 the shop 21..22..23 “Alright mate!” 24..25..26..27 look at the little dog.

I read that J.Meister and Smooth Blue seem to be hitting it off and I’m pleased to read that. I thought I might send them a comment but I thought that maybe I shouldn’t be a freak, that’s to say that even though the net has doors ajar it’s good to respect peoples privacy. It was damn strange to read about the wrapped cat that Mr Meister found on the long boat, the little thing couldn’t be the same as the bundle found under my floor could it? The council had taken it away and I thought that they would burn it at least…although, of course those other items of mine, the bridge parts, they were confiscated too and ended up miles away. Those fragments ended up in the house that incarcerates Old Uncle Charles and his young matriarchs.

Boris returned from seeing his brother Ruth in Prague. He came back with this little box that opens out to become a little table. It’s a miniature curiosity, perhaps some kind of truth.

Yesterday two cars exploded outside. I asked a fireman who stood waiting his turn at the hose what he thought had caused it, he just shrugged and mumbled something about sparks, right then I started counting again.

Back at work the monotony of turning tables and sweeping floors, cleaning the toilets and catching myself in the bathroom mirror, looking at a stranger there, so much older than me and then I obliterate the image with glass cleaner, counting.

House Arrest can be more than just a geographical location. Is Aliss through the looking glass I wonder? The cartography of all our children, our layer cake evolution, myself, the crumbs I leave, the icing I loose, my decaying sweetness, all the memories that I am of this and that connection to all that I ripple against in the pond. I’ve forgotten the code I once adhered to, that of my sensitivity to symbols embedded within the exegesis of the day to day, to read my text carefully. I’ve been skipping too much, whole chapters and stumbling into narratives over which I have no knowledge. I feel as if I’m fighting an enemy of strangers because I have become a stranger to myself. I am disadvantaged, infiltrated and surrounded. I am going to be knocked down and when that happens I have to listen very carefully. I can only hope that there are enough cotton buds left on the shelf inside the cupboard. 1..2..3

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